Porn is love you can see.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
