and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
