We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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