I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
