Someone shit on the floor
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Randomize
