So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
