New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
40s are totally the cure
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
