I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
