i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
