So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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