I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
