Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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