I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize