I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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