if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
