you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I just found puke in my bra..
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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