rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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