we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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