just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
