you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
