Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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