So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
