Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
