I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize