Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
