there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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