we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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