How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
