Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
