Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize