dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
