I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
