Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Just high enough for therapy.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize