Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Randomize