one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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