I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
