Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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