Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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