We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
