We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
