I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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