there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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