i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
