I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
