You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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