So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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