Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
