he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
