If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
