He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
