She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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