Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
