at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
You've changed since you got that strap on
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
