I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
