i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
