Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
