I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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