Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
