I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
