Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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