i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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