I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
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